“Born” sensitive to the precious value of their Being, the young Three looks around their world and finds this is not mirrored back to them.

But how can a child sensitive to preciousness, to essential value, do anything about creating this in the world they are born into?

For every type on the Enneagram, it is important to understand that this is the original dilemma – we want to create a certain quality through the personality, and this is mission impossible.

Somehow young Threes did not feel they received love and attention just for being themselves. They seemed to get the attention they needed by doing what was valued in their family. Young Threes tried to become what they sensed was valued, they adapted themselves to their environment and focused on “doing” or accomplishing. To do this, they had to shut down their hearts.

Threes as children often have a precocious “star” quality. They may be cute young performers or talented in some way whether this is innate or developed in response to how they receive attention or both. It is a common childhood experience described by Threes that they only got the attention of their mother, or nurturing figure, for what they did and that feelings were not welcome. It’s been said that the mothers of Threes had some sort of unlived life or unfulfilled potential themselves and that this was somehow impressed on the young Three.

A person cannot create the essence they are sensitive to in the world. The essence already exists, and it is not the job of the person to create it- but we don’t understand this. Because we can’t actually create this essence at the level of personality, there is a twist or distortion that occurs.

The fundamental distortion of the Three personality is to substitute performing and “doing” for being themselves. They give up on expressing their authentic identity and knowing their own value just for being alive. Instead, they try to mold themselves to the expectations of others and work hard to excel, trying to earn admiration by achieving and becoming successful. The falseness of the outer personality, the shell that we all have, is what Three is built around as they forget the preciousness of their essential being.

The next twist is that this distortion is turned inward against themselves- Threes shut down their own feelings to perform. To drive themselves, and focus on what others admire, they need to block awareness of their own hearts, their heart’s desire.

This core painful feeling is reflected in the Unconscious Childhood Message “It's not ok to have your own feelings and identity” and in the Lost Childhood Message “You are loved for yourself”.

Threes have an Inner Critic that drives them to perform and makes it hard for them to relax or do nothing. The Three’s Inner Critic pumps them up and pushes them on. The Inner Critic message for Three is“I’m good or ok if I am successful and others think well of me.”

So, the personality becomes organized around the missing preciousness or value for just being, the sense that the Three must earn their value and perform to others’ expectations – a structure based on driving themselves and blocking their own heart.

The Three is “after” value or worth in life and tries to get it by being assertive- how does this work? This is a direct strategy based on pushing against the world to prove their value in the eyes of others. Threes drive for results and will assert themselves against any obstacle. They also assert themselves against others by competing, wanting to win and to be the “best” since they measure their success against others.

There is no real inner tension or conflict about this direct strategy in that the Three is wired around success and this lines up well with the assertive style. There is an “all systems go” in this strategy. But there is a need to block feelings, and even inner awareness, to sustain this energy out. So, the distortion for the Three lies in this inner blocking and this is what the Three must eventually confront. 

Another way of understanding this inner dynamic of the Three is to recall that they are in the Heart Center of Intelligence with Shame underneath. To drive themselves, Threes block their feelings, but we know they are Heart or Feeling types. So the Center tells us that Threes need to recover contact with their Hearts.