“Born” sensitive to originality and uniqueness, the young Four looks around their world and sees a “sameness” or ordinariness that doesn’t honour their individuality.

But how can a child sensitive to originality, to the uniqueness of every individual, do anything about creating this in the world they are born into?

For every type on the Enneagram, it is important to understand that this is the original dilemma – we want to create a certain quality through the personality, and this is mission impossible.

Fours are sensitive, emotional children. They want to be seen for themselves and somehow this doesn’t happen as particularly as they wish. Fours will describe how they felt as children that they didn’t belong in their families - they looked around and felt different, that they didn’t “fit in”. Fours will often say they wondered if they were adopted. Sensitive around this feeling of being different and unseen sends a Four on a lifelong quest for identity.

A person cannot create the essence they are sensitive to in the world. The essence already exists, and it is not the job of the person to create it- but we don’t understand this. Because we can’t create this essence at the level of personality, there is a twist or distortion that occurs.

The fundamental distortion of the Four personality is to create their unique identity out of being different and not fitting in as others seem to do. Fours create an image of themselves as special and unlike others- an image they present both externally to the world and internally to themselves. Everything becomes a question of being true to their identity, for example even what clothes to wear seems like a question of “is this me?”. Not being “ordinary” can lead to rejecting conventional ways of functioning in the world and create practical difficulties. Also, because Fours base their identity on not being like other people and not fitting in, they begin to feel misunderstood- others just don’t “get them”.

The next twist is that this distortion is turned inwards towards their emotional world which becomes more negative. Fours process everything through their feelings, so they need to feel that they are being true to themselves. Then, somehow it is their more negative emotions that feel more true, deeper, richer, and more meaningful. Feeling sad becomes linked to their identity. Fours come to feel true to themselves when they are in a melancholy state. Something is wrong with them, “something is missing”. They may link this sad feeling state with finding their original voice as an artist or just as a creative individual. Now, not being happy supports their identity and their self-expression and traps them in a negative state.

This core painful feeling is reflected in the Unconscious Childhood Message “It's not ok to be too functional or too happy” - and in the Lost Childhood Message “You are seen for who you are”.

Fours have an Inner Critic that demands they focus their attention on whether they are being true to their identity. The Inner Critic message for Four is“I’m good or ok if I’m true to myself”.  

So, the personality becomes organized around having to be true to their unique identity, the belief that they are different from others, and the poignant feeling that something is missing– a structure based on processing everything through their inner world to see if it feels true to themselves.

The Four is withdrawing to get value or worth - how does this work? Fours want to be seen in a certain way to feel their worth- being seen as the unique individual they are proves their value. They are presenting a special self-image to themselves internally and externally they are trying to have others see them in the way they want to be seen.  

A strategy of withdrawing makes sense as a way for Fours to contact their inner depths where they can explore their own identity and be with their feelings. But it may be harder to understand how withdrawing works as a way of promoting their image to others. Fours retreat because they feel unseen or misunderstood, but they are hoping to be rescued or noticed as they withdraw. This is the source of the drama and temperamental aspect of the unhealthy Four- trying to get others attention by leaving. This is why others can feel as if they “are walking on eggshells” around unhealthy Fours. There is an implicit threat of withdrawal if others don’t “see” the Four as they want to be seen.

There is an inner tension for the Four because they want to be seen a certain way and have others reflect their identity, but they are also attached to feeling misunderstood. Their sensitivity and moodiness revolve around this dynamic- I want you to “get me” but you can’t ever really “get me”.

Another way of understanding this inner dynamic of the Four is to recall that they are in the Heart or Feeling Center of Intelligence with Shame underneath. This means that Fours are presenting their inner and outer image through their feelings. They can withdraw into their inner world where they use their imagination to intensify their feelings, especially sad ones. Outwardly they can become temperamental and dramatic because they are displaying their feelings as a way to get an emotional reaction from others. They may at times feel shame for their behaviour and try to repair their relationships.